So That I Never Feel Alone Again
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Never felt so alone and miserable
My husband has been so difficult to live with since our 20 month old son was born. He didn't adapt well to parenthood, we both struggled with sleep deprivation and he lost several jobs which created a lot of stress in the relationship. I was never diagnosed but I feel as though I am going through postpartum depression. My energy is low, I rarely feel happy, some days I just don't want to be here and I'm constantly arguing with my husband. I live abroad and i have no friends or family here. My in-laws live nearby but I'm not close to them and I will only message them if there is an emergency. I've tried everything to make my husband happy (allowed him to use my credit card to buy a gun for hunting, taking care of LO while he goes off on a turkey hunt for two days, join a gun club etc.) LO is going through a sleep regression and since I still breastfeed I'm the one who has to get up during the night when he wakes. I feel as though I have a newborn again I'm so exhausted. When my husband came back from his turkey hunt, I thought he would be in a good mood since he caught a turkey but he kept saying it wasn't a holiday for him as he had to be up early and he didn't help out with LO that evening, even though I'd been up half the night with LO and working from home all day. He often makes mean comments towards me, for example when we are cleaning LO's nose out with a syringe and LO is kicking a lot and I'm unable to keep him still, my husband gets angry and tells me I suck and that I should be able to control my own son. .
Yesterday evening DH was doing a bbq and I was outside with LO who was playing. I can't even remember what DH said to upset me, I was so exhausted I felt like a zombie. I picked LO up and took him inside because I didn't want to argue in front of him. My husband's sunglasses and other belongings were on the table where LO has dinner so I went to clear them away, and I was so mad at DH, I squeezed his sunglasses when I picked them up and they broke. I instantly regretted my outburst and I was terrified of DH's reaction. Panicking, I hid his glasses in LO's toy box. My husband isn't violent but he can be scary when he shouts and I couldn't face that.
Anyway this morning DH found his broken glasses and he was super pissed. He knew straightaway that I'd broken them and called me a disgusting piece of *** in front of LO. He's spent the entire day downstairs in the basement while I take care of LO with no break. I apologised to him and transferred money to savings for him to buy a new pair but he won't let it go. I wish I had family to turn to but I have no one. I caught the virus which LO picked up from his nursery too which is making me feel like crap and has sapped my energy. I haven't had time to eat, I feeling there's no way out of this mess.
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